I've identified the problem with this gosh darn team!

And the problem's name is Henrik Lundqvist.  That's right, fellow Blueshirt diehards, this team has an issue with scoring, and "Prince Henry" does nothing to help us in that department. All this fat, lazy bum does is sit in the net and occasionally block shots.  In other words, he does Dan "The Man" Girardi's job, just only a bit further back in the ice, and he does it without the whole 'skating' thing, which last time I checked, was kinda important in the good game of hockey.  How much does he get paid?  Hold on, just give me a sec....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!  $6.875 million cap hit for a guy who rarely, if ever, contributes offensively to this club?  Pissed off yet? Just wait till you get to my comprehensive statistical analysis and you'll really blow your lid...

A closer evaluation of his offensive numbers shines light on the dark, dark void that is Henrik Lundqvist:

     2005-06: 0G, 2A in 53 games

     2006-07: 0G, 0A in 70 games

     2007-08: 0G, 0A in 72 games

     2008-09: 0G, 2A in 70 games

     2009-10: 0G, 1A in 73 games

     2010-11: 0G, 4A in 68 games

I know what you're gonna say: yeah, he only has 9 pts in six seasons, and he's never actually put it in the net, but he's totally clutch in the playoffs, right?  WRONG! After a second-straight abortion of a perfomance tonight against the Caps, Henrik Lundqvist has played 32 career postseason games, and has ZERO points to show for it.  Plain and simple, not only does this guy not get it done in the regular season (he plays like 4000+ minutes a season and has never had more than 4 points? WTF?), he clearly can't hack it in the post-season as well.  I don't know what country you guys are from, but in the country I'm from,  a little place called AMERICA, this shit doesn't fly.

Which segues into my next point: do you know what country Henrik Lundqvist is from?  Sweden!  I only know Sweden for three things: socialism, shitty furniture stores, and how they managed to out-Switzerland Switzerland during the Second World War.  Did you know Ryan Callahan's granddaddy slit 3,497 Kraut throats barefoot in -10 degree weather whilst single-handedly rescuing the 101st Airborne from Bastogne?*  Or how Brandon Prust's grandfather secured the beachhead at Juno Beach for the 3rd Canadian Infantry Division, and if that wasn't enough, sprinted like forty miles to save the American landing at Omaha?**  Both true stories! You know what Hank Lundqvist's grandfather was doing around then?  Collecting welfare checks from a Nazi-sympathizing government, while occasionally getting off his lazy ass to sing Wacht am Rhein and self-pleasure himself to pictures of Eva Braun.  And after the war, he moved to occupied Germany, where he sold black-market goods to those commie bastard Soviets, and he started the car crash that ended General George S. Patton's life.  Same blood flows through the veins of Henrik Lundqvist.  Think about it.  Or don't, actually, because it disgusts me really.

Anywho, I think I've proved my point already, but I have one more beef: that damn nickname.  "King Henrik"?  Where does he get off?  Let's just quickly compare some resumes with real-life kings to double-check if Lundqvist is worthy of the title (as if!):

     King Henry V of England:  Invaded France, which all good political leaders do.  Gave a badass speech before butchering a massive amount of French (who, granted, were French and thus certainly quite cowardly) that significantly outnumbered his army.  So, all in all worthy of being a king.

     King Henry VII of England: Last English monarch to win crown on battlefield, when he owned Richard III at the Battle of Bosworth Field.  Started his own dynasty, the Tudor Dynasty, which apparently did some things or something.  Was played by the same guy who played McNulty in The Wire in that Ian McKellen movie, so by the associative property, he must have been pretty awesome.

     King Henrik the Lame, New York Rangers:  Zero goals, dudes.  Zero. 

In conclusion, I hope you have been enlightened by this post.  Our beloved Rangers have struggled because of the albatross that is Henrik Lundqvist hanging around their necks.  And I think we all know what the real solution is.

*Ryan Callahan's grandfather would have won the Congressional Medal of Honor like fourteen times during the war.  However, each time his Colonel tried to nominate him, Grandpa Callahan would pimp slap him and say that he was just "apart of the team."  Really was a humble guy.

**Really quite the accomplishment, when one considers just how shitty Canadians typically are when it comes to war fighting.