"A Girl's Guide to Watching the Rangers" - A Polite Rebuttal

Just as I was barely coming to grips with the fact that my favorite team thought it was a good idea to sign Arron Asham (just barely, mind you), I was today asked to accept that Blueshirts United, the Rangers official fansite, thought it wise to post this article entitled "A Girl’s Guide to Watching the Rangers"—a title that probably already has you cringing. In an apparent bid to divert some focus away from their dismal loss to Philadelphia the day prior, the Rangers posted this piece, plugged it on Twitter, and then quickly deleted it following the ensuing backlash from fans across the league. Thankfully, an intrepid Sports Illustrated writer captured screenshots of the article and posted them on Twitter so they could be appropriately mocked and derided by the online hockey community.

But is all of this outrage really justified? The only way to ascertain for certain is by taking a look at some of the article’s highlights and offering some polite and objective criticism.

Blueshirts United has added a Contributor Network where additional writers from outside the organization will share their thoughts and perspective. This is the first of these articles.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that isn’t quite the start Blueshirts United was hoping for with their new addition to the site. At least they can take solace in the fact that this is still only the year's second-most disappointing start currently involving Rangers hockey. If you don’t care for this particular joke about the Rangers 1-3 start, feel free to substitute your own, because God knows they write themselves.

By: Mirna Mandil

Believe it or not, this article was actually written by a woman. I still can’t tell if that makes its absurd generalizations more or less offensive.

News of the NHL lockout’s end caused as much excitement in the male world as a 70 percent off sale does in a woman’s.

I’m sorry to interrupt, but something quite strange has just happened. I’m currently typing on a computer, which implies that it’s currently 2013; yet, upon reading this last sentence, I am led to believe that I’ve been somehow transported to the year 1956. I look forward to the author’s opinion on whether Gump Worsley or Gordie Bell deserves to start in goal for the postseason.

If you’re completely oblivious to what the end of the lockout means, think of it as the premiere of the newest season of "Girls" being delayed by months.

Evidently, the author felt that one insulting comparison wasn’t enough. I have never heard of "Girls" and I have no idea what it’s about, but based on the show’s title, I can see how it’s something that girls might watch.

They’re EXPECTING You To Ask Questions…Just know WHEN to do it.

This is where we begin to get a sense of this article’s fatal flaw. These kinds of tips apply to anyone, male or female, who is watching any sport they are unfamiliar with, and applying them only to newcomers of the female persuasion isn't fair.

Carl Hagelin has the puck. The boys are all standing and screaming and you’re going to yell "what’s happening!?" Nope.

Allow me to let you in on the joke, ladies: your man is screaming because Carl Hagelin is inexplicably on the ice at the same time as Mike Rupp, who wouldn’t be able to keep up with Hags if he were playing on a snowmobile.

You need to sense the tension at certain points in the game and let them do their jumping, screaming and cheering thing.

You can tell if something huge has happened by their reaction…

This sentence is apparently directed at girls who not only don’t watch hockey, but haven’t interacted with a human being ever at any point in their lives.

...after watching a few games, last names will start to sound familiar: Staal, Callahan, Del Zotto.

Pay special attention to that last one, ladies, so you can join in as your man bemoans the fact that the Rangers powerplay died on March 2, 2004.

You’ll get the idea.

It’s kind of like how after you go shopping for makeup a few times, the brand names begin to sound familiar. Oh, wait, we aren’t doing the metaphors anymore?

The Rangers roster is easily available online…

It’s bad enough that girls doesn’t know what icing is; now it turns out that they need the basic principles of the internet explained to them.

Get To Know Goalie Henrik Lundqvist.

Let me just come out and say what we’re all thinking: we’re trying to attract potential female fans to this team and Hank is on page four of this article? This is already the second time this season that Henrik’s unparalleled handsomeness has been overlooked in an article that makes female fans look bad.

Don’t you want him to do well? Don’t you want to watch when he’s on the ice? My point exactly.

Now this is simply false advertising. No one is disputing that Henrik’s good looks put us all to shame, but of the twelve players on the ice at any given time, Lundqvist is one of two that always has a mask over his face. If ladies are going to watch a game just to stare at the team’s best-looking player, they should probably find a team whose heartthrob isn’t forced to wear protective gear that obscures literally every square inch of his body other than his eyes. That said, Hank has pretty dreamy eyes.

Congratulations. You’ve officially graduated level one of what to expect when Ranger fans are expecting.

I have read this sentence literally fourteen times and I still have no idea what it’s trying to say, how it got so horribly mangled, or how the author and editor somehow didn’t realize that the final page of this article begins with a grammatical train wreck. Unless this sentence was written in another language and then hastily translated into English, I can’t offer an explanation for how it came to be.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions, but ask questions they’ll enjoy answering.

Girl: "Honey, what happened during that ‘shootout’ people keep talking about from 2010?"

Guy: "I don’t think we should see each other anymore."

Things like who their favorite player is, or who their biggest rival is.

"So the Devils are big rivals, huh? Have they ever won the ‘Stanley Cup’ thing you guys won in 1994?"

"I’ve been sleeping with your sister for the past three months."

If you have a couple hours of free time, ask about the famous Potvin chant. You’ll certainly be in for a great story.

During a Rangers/Islanders game on February 25th, 1979, Hall of Fame defenseman Denis Potvin put a check on Rangers center Ulf Nilsson that broke his ankle. Ever since that night, Rangers games at the Garden are filled with chants designed to remind you Potvin, in fact, sucks.

I fail to see how telling that story could take more than five minutes, let alone a couple hours. This information can also be found via a three second Google search, but it’s already been established that you ladies have trouble using the internet for things other than buying shoes.

Oh, and one last thing: don’t give the guys and grief for their playoff beards.

I can only assume that the word "and" is supposed to be "any." Look at your keyboard and observe how much space is between the "d" and the "y" key. As typos go, that's a fairly impressive one.

Google it. You’ll thank me later.

NO, what are you saying!? They’re girls, they can’t use Google!

So girls, what do you think of Mirna’s playbook?

I’ll let the girls speak for themselves on this one.

And guys, do you think Mirna is on to something here?

If that "something" is a grasp of how to proofread an article that probably took twenty minutes to write, then I have my doubts.

Well, there you have it, ladies. I hope this cleared some things up for you. If you want to follow the Rangers in an effort to grow closer to your man, we would love to have you on board. Just remember only to ask easy questions so he can feel smart. And for God’s sake, since you spend all day sitting around watching Lifetime anyway, please take a few minutes and learn how to use Google.

Primary assist to Sarah Kwak for taking screenshots of the article.

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