Blueshirts Monthly: What Really Happens In The Meetings

Tony lied to you. He's a filthy liar. I will shine a light on the truth.

Since Tony supposedly gave you all an inside look of how our meetings go for Blueshirts Monthly, I figured I would actually tell you all what it's like. This is from our meeting for December's edition. If you still don't know what Blueshirts Monthly is, shame on you. If you want to sign up for it, you should. It's free. Do it here. Do it now. If you don't do it, you don't love America. And if you're not from America, well, do it for Hank. Everyone loves Hank.

I warn you, the below is shocking, disgusting and 100% absolutely true.

Joe, Mike and Tony sit at a large mahogany table in the bowels of Blueshirt Banter's headquarters. Blueshirt Monthly meetings happen in the basement because the topics and conversations have to be kept a secret. Plus, these meetings usually contain antics that would make a normal person very uncomfortable, so the farther underground the better.

Joe: Hey, guys, thanks for coming.

Mike: No problem, Joe! Always happy to help! Hey, have you subscribed for the newsletter yet?

Joe [confused]: Uh, yes, Mike. I have.

Mike: Good, good. [Mike pulls a piece of blank paper out of a beautiful leather briefcase and starts drawing]

Joe: Tony, how are you?

Tony: Good. Hey, do you think we're going to wrap this up soon? It's 6:30 and it's getting past by bedtime.

Joe: Tony we just started the meeting ...

Mike: DONE!

Tony: Done with what?

Mike: The newest comic for Blueshirts Monthly! Look! [Mike proudly shows the comic to Joe and Tony]

Joe [cringing]: Mike ... that's a lot of blood.

Tony: Why is the ghost attacking the Canadian civilians anyway?

Mike [rolling his eyes]: Because Talbot loves Ghostbusters and he shut out Montreal the other night. Jesus guys do you even watch the games?

Joe: OK let's move on. Tony, any ideas for Tony's Tale - Mike, where the hell did Tony go?

Tony [yelling from the bathroom]: I had to pee!

Joe [astounded]: That's the fourth time in the past twenty minutes!

Tony [opening the door and drying his hands]: You rushed me!

Joe: Sorry ... Do you have any plans for December's Tony's Tales?

Tony [excited]: Yes! I want to do a story about the Rangers first Stanley Cup back in 1928! I was 58 back then!

[Joe and Mike look at each other and then back to Tony]

Mike: Okayyyyyy .....

Joe: Anyway, Mike, what about your story for Mike's Padded Corner?

Mike [really excited]: Oh yeah! This is going to be my best one yet! [Mike somehow jumps onto the table in a single motion and is wielding a spear which he is using to jab at invisible enemies]

[Joe and Tony back away from the table]

Joe: Where in the hell did you get that spear from?

Mike [continuing to spin and jab]: Hiya! Weeee!

Tony [putting on a helmet]: Mike be careful!

Mike: So, the idea is to talk about how Zuccarello would have done in the massive battle scene in Lord of the Rings. Imagine Zuccarello - the Hobbit naturally - along with Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and the rest of the heroes fighting the 10,000 orcs! It would be amazing. I'm thinking Zuccarello's weapon would be a hockey stick carved into a spear. And he would do stuff like this! [Mike jumps of the table and spins around, losing control of the spear which flies into the ceiling and breaks one of the florescent lights.]

Mike [panting]: How was that guys?? A good idea, right?

Joe [filling out a damage report]: Yes, Mike. Very good. You did good.

Mike [talking to himself]: Mike did good. Mike did very good.

Tony: Joe, I was reading over your story and you spelled "hockey" wrong.

Joe [getting angry]: Tony, you know spelling isn't my strongest subject.

Tony: But you're a writer! You run the single greatest New York Rangers blog to ever exist in history! How are you such a bad speller? Plus it's the word "hockey," it's the only sport you write about! You probably write it a million times. How can that possibly confuse you?

Joe [turning even redder]: You son of a -

Mike [slamming his hand on the desk]: Dammit!!

Tony [startled]: What is it, Mike.

Mike: Someone posted a gif of a butt. A BUTT!

Joe: Okayyyy

Tony: Do you, uh, want me to, uh, take care of them? [Tony slams a fist into his hand]

Joe: Tony, are you talking about killing someone?

Tony [laughing]: No, no, no, Joe. Just, you know, going out for a drive in the woods at night. Having a nice conversation and then burying the person. Ya know, for fun.

Joe: That sounds a little mobish to me, Tony.

Tony: Noo. Never.

Mike [grumbling to himself]: You want to defy me, guys? OK, that's fine. Wait until you see angry, sheriff Mike come out. You won't like him. You won't like him at all. BOOM! Warned. BOOM. Deleted. Yeahhhhhhh! Hahahahahahaha!

Joe: Mike, it's going to be OK man.

Tony: Can we get back to your horrible spelling?

Joe [still angry]: Don't you have to pee or something?

Tony: No! ...

Tony: Yes ... [runs to the bathroom].

Joe: So are you OK, Mike?

Mike [rocking back and forth in his chair]: Why can't everyone love each other?

Joe: I'm not sure.

Tony: I don't have to wash my hands, right?

Mike [squinting his eyes]: Not if we're in the fields of South Africa, living with the lions, tigers and wombats! Are we living there, Joe?

Joe [exhausted]: Sure, Mike.

Mike: Yayayayayayayayay!

Joe [looking at Mike and Tony in disappointment]: As usual, this has been a disaster.

[Tony begins crying]

Joe [shocked]: Jesus, Tony, don't cry. I didn't mean it.

Tony: It's not that. Why doesn't anyone rec my posts? I beg and beg.

Joe [patting Tony on the back]: Shhhhh, shhhh. It's going to be OK.

Mike [now also crying]: Why do lizards always run from me when I try to catch them?

Joe [now crying as well]: Why can't I have a normal staff for this forsaken newsletter!

[Joe, Tony and Mike all continue to hug and cry]

Fin.

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