Debby Wong-US PRESSWIRE
Dan Girardi: A Horrifying Theory Presented by Dig Deep and Kevin Power
Fate smiled on the New York Rangers when reports came back that All-Star defenseman Dan Girardi’s X-Rays were negative from the shot he took off his ankle/foot from the stick of Habs’ blueliner P.K. Subban. As Ranger fans we can all now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that Girardi almost certainly won’t be missing significant time. That Girardi isn’t seriously injured leads me to question some things though… some peculiar patterns in the Matrix, if you will. What I am going to suggest is not something that I alone believe, no… I am not some lone nutjob covering my walls in newspapers and cutting the eyes out of pictures of political figures in some dank basement or shed. Blueshirt Banter’s own Kevin Power stands beside me on this startling and troubling theory. Brace yourselves my friends, we are going to look into the abyss for a moment… pray it does not look back into us.
FACT: Dan Girardi, like Wolverine, is Canadian-born.
FACT: Until this year Dan Girardi has missed only two games since establishing himself as a regular on the roster during the 2006-2007 season. That is some pretty exceptional durability for someone who blocks as many shots as Girardi does… but for a mutant it would be child’s play.
FACT: Dan Girardi was undrafted and signed as a free agent… some people will tell you he played in the OHL for several years and that he made the team through hard work and proving people wrong but I’d like to offer up the possibility that Girardi was being experimented on in an underground compound somewhere in the woods of western Canada as part of the Weapon X Program and was planted in the New York Ranger’s training camp as a sleeper agent.
FACT: After an exhaustive three minute search I could find no account of Dan Girardi’s birth or his birth records on the internet. All I could find is that he was born in Welland, Canada. Welland, like "Wolverine" starts with "W"… coincidence? Perhaps but I doubt it my friends. I fucking doubt it.
FACT: Dan Girardi finds himself (we are to believe this is to be by random chance and fate) playing for a hockey team in the most powerful, influential, and significant city in the civilized world… the perfect place for a sleeper agent.
FACT: Dan Girardi’s eyes look as if they’ve seen unspeakable horrors. They look as if they’ve seen behind the mysterious veil that separates our own world from the next… those eyes look like they see ghosts walking among us… perhaps they are the ghosts of those people he has "eliminated" as part of the Weapon X Program?
Just look at those eyes.
You’ve heard enough from me for now, I am going to turn this over to Kevin Power who has a few words for you good, kind, gentle Americans.
Kevin Power, expert researcher and Editor for Blueshirt Banter-
"It'd be irresponsible for us to throw around such wild allegations such as "Dan Girardi is some kind of mutant created in the wilds of Canada" so let's give you some facts
Dan Girardi blocked a lot of shots last year... some would say an almost... superhuman... number of shots without breaking a bone or missing a game, there really isn't any other logical reason for this other than the fact that Dan Girardi has unbreakable bones and a healing factor that works faster than most human beings can form a coherent sentence.
Some very good Blueshirt Banter spies gave up a lot to get us this damning information and evidence.. these allegations are not to be taken lightly."
Kevin Power and I have thought about contacting the Canadian government about some of our findings and theories but we all know that it would just be a waste of our time. Operations like turning a boy from Welland, Ontario into a mutant with a healing factor and an adamantium skeleton aren’t going to be known by the mooks who are in power. These operations are only going to be known and controlled by the people who have the Canadian government on puppet strings.
So what should we do as New York Ranger fans and innocent American citizens knowing that we may very well have a Canadian super-agent with some kind of healing power and a skeleton made out of what was once thought to be a mythological metal playing for our hockey team? I suggest that we do nothing. I suggest that we feign ignorance whilst keeping ourselves in a constant state of readiness and preparedness should Girardi one day snap or be activated and reveal his terrible powers to us mere mortals. Until that day we should just smile and nod, celebrate Girardi’s excellence but never forget the threat that he poses to us… like a wolf amongst sheep.