The Rangers powerplay in the 2013 NHL Playoffs is 2 for 38, which is just a hair above 5%. I shouldn't have to tell you that scoring once out of every twenty powerplays opportunities is really, really not good. It's awful. It's spontaneously catching fire in the middle of the desert whilst being hunted down by ravenous cyborg-coyotes bad. Where did the man-hungry roboyotes come from you ask? From the same place your nightmares come from.
There are a lot of things to blame and point at to explain how the Rangers find themselves down 3-0 in their series against the Bruins but for most people the powerplay, or lack thereof, is one of the more obvious scapegoats. Sure, there is also the lack of any kind of offense when the team is at even strength to talk about, as well as a certain former Conn Smythe winner who has played himself onto the fourth line, and a coach who's antics are getting as unimpressive as the effort put forth by his team... but for now let's take a look at a brief list of things that are more effective than the powerplay of our New York Rangers.
- Hammerskates (patent-pending).
- Jubilee's mutant powers. According to the never-wrong Wikipedia:
A mutant, Jubilee had the superhuman power to generate "sparkles" out of her hands, consisting of explosive plasma."
... sparkles? Really? Sparkles. There's a dude with metal skin, a guy who shoots the fury of the sun out of his eyes, and a girl who shoots sparkles at things. Still, it came in handy a lot more than I thought it would.
- Rick Nash's spin-around power move thing where he skates backwards into the defenseman and then quickly and wildly turns around and shoots it in the general vicinity of the net.
- Ryan Callahan's shootout move. Hey, he scored with it once or twice in about half a dozen attempts... what I wouldn't give for the powerplay to be half that effective.
- Cups with holes in the bottom.
- Me at quickly drawing human hands.
- Fun noodles being used as baseball bats. Remember fun noodles? Sure ya do.
- Wet matches.
- Shoes being used as pillows (not so bad if you're in a pinch).
- Tim Tebow at quarterba-... eh, nevermind. It isn't that bad.
- Kristen Stewart's acting.
- The moderation at Blueshirt Banter (Oh snap!).
- The "War on Drugs".
- Wile E. Coyote's roadrunner-capturing and assassination attempts (let's not kid ourselves- he was trying to kill him and eat him).
- The New York Islanders powerplay in the 2013 Playoffs (that one stings, doesn't it?).
- M. Night Shyamalan's storytelling in everything that isn't either The Sixth Sense or Signs.
- Pierre McGuire's criticism of the Rangers powerplay.
That is all I have for now. You know what? That's a dirty, horrible lie. My list could go on and on but I am a considerate person and I know you all probably have better things to do than read my silly list... but if you don't have better things to do perhaps you can add a few of your own things that are more effective than the Rangers powerplay in the comments section. Who knows, maybe we can have a few laughs and forget about how awful last night went but I don't think that's very likely.
Brace yourselves my friends, the Rangers are trailing 3-0 to the Boston Bruins... Summer is coming.
Let's go Rangers.