So guys and gals, have you been wondering how Glen Sather broke the news to John Tortorella that he was relieved of his coaching duties? Do you wonder if there were curses, tears, or perhaps a crudely drawn pentagram on the floor surrounded by bones, men wearing hooded robes, and small bowls of what is clearly human blood? I know I do. So I decided to share with you this parody of how I think (or should I say hope) it all went down and what was said between Grumpy McJerktorts and Cigary O'Evilslats. Why have I decided to do this you ask? Well, believe it or not BigB22 actually asked me to do it and lord knows I have the time to throw something together for you guys. I also want to make sure to say that this was heavily inspired by the many hilarious "Behind the Scenes" pieces by our very own Brandon C.
Without further adieu here is my version of how it all went down between former Rangers coach John Tortorella and The Emperor Glen Sather. I hope you enjoy it.
Glen Sather: Hey John, just go ahead and have a seat there. I've got some bad news for you.
John Tortorella: Shit, are we on the powerplay again? (looks around room nervously)
GS: No, no John. Not that. You'll never have to worry about that again.
JT: They're outlawing powerplays?
GS: No. We have decided to go ahead and relieve you of your coaching duties and take the team in a different direc-
JT: F**K YOU SLATS! I hope you choke on a cigar and that your great grandchildren are born as pot-bellied satyrs that are mocked mercilessly by their peers.
GS: ...I was going to say that one of the several reasons we are going to part ways with you is because of your attitude. John, I don't know if you know this... but everyone, especially the media, thinks you are a huuuge asshole.
JT: You care about what the media has to say? The media? They wave robots in my face and ask me the same damn questions day after day, it's maddening.
JT: You know what I mean. Those little robots they hold that record my voice and probably steal people's souls, cause hurricanes, and are responsible for the existence of spiders.
GS: You are talking about recording devices like tape recorders John... those aren't robots.
JT: Tell that to Soundwave from the Transformers.
GS: Transformers is an animated show for children John, the Decepticons and the Autobots aren't real.
JT: Tell that to Shia LaBeouf.
GS: That was a mo- never mind. Just never mind.
JT: Seriously though, why am I being fired? Is it because of the jam? I can make them play with more jam if you give me another chance. With just a little more jam this team can go all the way.
GS: You talk about jam more than a Smucker's salesman.
JT: Honestly, who the dicks doesn't like jam?
GS: Enough with friggin' jam. We are letting you go because you've lost the locker room, your smug disposition has grown old fast, and because the only thing more pathetic than the offense is the powerplay which, by the way, is the worst thing to happen in America since the theatrical release of The Green Lantern.
JT: I thought the special effects were pretty good.
GS: They were dogshit but not as dogshit as your coaching during the 2013 Playoffs.
JT: Glen, I have the highest winning percentage since Keenan, I got us through the first round this year, and I coached this team to the Eastern Conference Finals last year...
GS: The coaches between you and Keenan are a who's who of the biggest idiots I've ever known.
JT: You were one of those coaches.
GS: You shut that filthy mouth. Also, this is a business of "what have you done for me lately".
JT: Like the Janet Jackson song?
GS: ... forty years ago I could slap you right across the mouth for that and not have to worry about you suing my pants off.
JT: You know what Slats, I'm glad you are "relieving me of my coaching duties." While I am here I am going to relieve myself of something else too. (Stands up and walks over to a potted plant in the corner of the office)
GS: Don't you f**king dare...
JT: *zip* Ahhhhh. I'm going to miss it here in New York Glen. Thanks for providing me with all those great signings and all that depth scoring, it sure did come in handy ya schmuck.
GS: Get the hell out of here, have fun coaching in Dallas or Edmonton or wherever the hell you end up. I'm sure they'll just love your bullshit and idiotic smirk there John. STOP SMILING AND SHAKING YOUR HEAD AT EVERYTHING ANYONE SAYS.
JT: *zips himself up* Good luck next year Glen. I hope you know that the fans will be calling for your head next. It has only taken them about twelve years to realize that you've overstayed your welcome.
GS: Good luck looking like Henry Winkler for the rest of your life John. Also, if you "love" Brad Richards so much feel free to take him with you. Now that I think about it signing him... might have been a mistake.
JT: You making a mistake on a free agent signing? That's new.
GS: GET THE HELL OUT AND TAKE YOUR JAM WITH YOU.
NOTE: Obviously this is parody and should be taken about as seriously as someone who tells you that they eat crayons. I hope for nothing but good health and success for both John Tortorella and Glen Sather. Thanks for everything Torts, you helped turn this team into one I could be proud of during your stay here even if you totally do look like Henry Winkler
Please direct all blame and complaints about this article to BigB22 and all praise for this article to Mike Murphy "Dig Deep", thank you.