So... here we are in the doldrums of the hockey offseason. I knew things were bad when twitter was going crazy about Dan Carcillo being traded to the Kings and people were excitedly pointing out that he'll get to play with Jeff Carter and Mike Richards again. And I know things are desperate when the only thing we've been doing on the Banter is talking about when Mats Zuccarello and Derek Stepan will sign and posting dozens upon dozens of projected lineups using capgeek.com. I think we could all benefit from a change of pace and enjoy talking about something other than contracts and capgeek just for a little while.
We're a little over halfway through July now and it is going to be a long, long time until the Rangers first preseason game on September 16th against the Kovalchuk-less New Jersey Devils. I already offered up my Summer Survival Guide for the 2013 offseason but I am starting to think it just wasn't enough to get you guys through the summer. Pretty soon boredom alone is going to force us to divide into warring clans that will fill the streets of the tri-state area with blood. We'll terrorize people by Braveheart-shouting at each other across peaceful parks with woad paint on our faces and crudely crafted weapons in our hands and engage in bloody and brutal skirmishes. It's either that or the hockey world provides us with some news of significance because we've all finally caught our collective breaths after pissing ourselves laughing about the whole Kovalchuk debacle. The echoing, suffocating silence that has followed has made us feel desperately alone and awkward like a turtle stuck on its back in the middle of a desert highway, haunted by the distant howls of coyotes and looking up into the night sky questioning the significance of its existence compared to the majesty and vastness of space.
...Yep, I'm bored too.
So what I decided to do is post a pseudo-open thread asking you guys how you've been spending your summer so far. What summer traditions does your family have? How've you been enjoying this oppressive heat wave? Should I write a second Summer Survival Guide? Nah, that'll take too much work... how about I tell you guys how the Banter staff has been enjoying their summers to get the ball rolling!
What's that you say? You don't care how the Banter staff have been spending their summers? Well, I'm in the mood to write and make things up so buckle up sucker, we're going for a ride.
I've been at the shore and have been enjoying swimming in the ocean everyday (it's been made policy by my brothers and me) and futilely trying to establish some kind of tan to my milky white Irish skin when I'm not writing or working on a few projects I have going. Joe has been locked away in his room, feverishly working on thirteen different projects at once and constantly muttering to himself, "It has to get done... it has to get done..." The last time I talked to him on the phone he was whispering to me the whole time and I'm pretty sure I heard the horrible rhythmic chewing of a bonesaw working its way through a human femur... I'm pretty sure he's lost it you guys. Bryan has been feeling a lot like that turtle on that cold desert highway with the lack of Rangers news to share with you. I am starting to worry that at some point he'll latch onto a juicy rumor and start making connections that aren't there and slowly, gracefully lose his mind while frantically trying to explain to all of us that Dion Phaneuf and Nazem Kadri are going to be traded for Brad Richards and Michael Del Zotto.
It'll be more graceful than this... but not by much.
Alex is busy in Europe doing dopey European things like paying for food and other goods with Monopoly money and enjoying free healthcare, what a mook. I can't be certain but I think Brandon and Kevin died months ago and their souls are trapped on twitter... we should probably check on that at some point. Uncle Mod (Caerid) is currently leading police around the country for a second lap in what is now longest getaway drive in American history, firing off a celebratory shotgun blast into the air every time he crosses a state line. I've no idea what everyone else is doing... probably doing something better with their lives than writing this article at 11:45 AM on a startlingly beautiful Thursday in July...
Anyways, now that I'm done crying and wondering what I am doing with my life, how have you guys been passing the time this summer? Have any big plans? Good recipes we can try out on the grill? Favorite things to do to pass the time? Also, who wants to help me tackle Joe and try to get that bonesaw away from him?
Let me know in the comments how you've been getting through the summer.
Let's go Rangers.