New York Rangers Mid-season Medical Report

Dr. Tom has what will cure what ails the Ranger players. Although my totally not real medical license was revoked for so-called "unethical" "testing". Some people just don't respect lizard-humanoid beings. Anyway, here we go!

Brian Boyle: Hand transplant. A new set of hands could go a long way with bumbling Brian as I am convinced he doesn't currently have any based on his bad puck handling.

Derick Brassard: Brain Surgery. If top brain surgeons (or just a guy with a rusty hand saw, whatever) could flip that consistency switch on for Derick, that would be greatly appreciated.

Ryan Callahan: Adamantium bones. Now we don't have to worry about him getting injured...EVER!

Derek Dorsett: New Fibula. Too soon?

Carl Hagelin: Sedative dosage. Sometimes Haggy is too eager to get rid of the puck leading to a turnover in the D zone. He needs to chill out and make better passes.

Chris Kreider: Pepto Bismol (for me, not him). He has played well this year but a few penalties on the PP gave me indigestion.

J.T. Miller: Medical records incomplete.

Dominic Moore: Daily dose of a four-leaf clover. Not much puck luck for Dominic this year for a guy who deserves it.

Rick Nash: Brain and heart transplant. His lack of hustle is tough to watch. Maybe with a new brain he will realize his mistakes aren't being hidden in Columbus anymore.

Benoit Pouliot: See Derick Brassard and double it.

Brad Richards: New legs and a one way ticket out of NY when the season ends. Was never a fast player and is only getting slower. A new pair of legs should allow him to skate right to a buyout this summer.

Derek Stepan: New legs and a 5-hour energy. Step, like Richards, is slow and the 5-hour energy should help with his slow decision making on the PP.

Mats Zuccarello: That bean from Jack and the Beanstalk. He has been good but he could be a great player if he was 6' 2" 210.

Conor Allen: Medical records incomplete.

Michael Del Zotto: New legs and brain. Beating a dead, rotten, meat on sale in Europe horse with this one.

Justin Falk: Does anyone care? Didn't think so.

Dan Girardi: Anti-aging cream. I don't think age will treat G so well so it's best to at least keep those debonair looks intact for life.

Ryan McDonagh: Clean bill of health. Thank jeebus we have him.

John Moore: Brain transplant. Seriously, the athletics are great on Moore but god damn is he idiotic on the ice sometimes.

Marc Staal: Carbotanium skull. Good player and I want him to be truly healthy for the rest of his career so a lightweight carbon fiber and titanium woven skull would help.

Anton Stralman: Superman vision. Then he might notice the PENGUIN PLAYER STANDING NEXT TO HIM THAT'S ABOUT TO FUCKING SCORE!

Henrik Lundqvist: Whatever parts he was using before this season, If we are going to win, Hank needs to be his old self.


I could have made a grilled cheese but no, I did THIS instead.

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