As many of you know the Rangers traded for top Flames prospect Tim Erixon today. This is a completely factual (not really) transcript of the conversation that took place between Glen Sather and Flames GM Jay Feaster. Enjoy.
JF: Why won't Tim sign with us! We have Jokinen and everything!
Pizza Delivery Man: I don't know, sir, can I just have my money? I don't even know who Tim is.
JF: Do you think it would be a good idea to sign Tim to any contract he wants?
PDM: Would I get a bigger tip?
JF: Smaller, actually.
PDM: Don't sign him at all. You need the money.
JF: Hmmm, we'll see. Just take this and I'll call you when I figure things out.
*Phone rings, it's Glen Sather!*
GS: Hey Jay, how's it going? How's Winnipeg?
JF: That's Atlanta, Glen.
GS: Yeah, not anymore. Didn't you guys just move to Winnipeg?
JF: That's the Atlanta Thrashers that moved.
GS: Whatever, same thing. Not like it matters.
JF: Glen, can you leave me alone? If I don't sign Tim Erixon I'm going to be in tons of trouble.
GS: Wait, your number one prospect? The defenseman? Tim Erixon? He's not signed yet?
JF: Yes, and if I get distracted, I won't be able to sign him. Leave me alone.
GS: Ok, I'll sit here quietly. Fine.
*Glen mysteriously takes out his blackberry, and whispers "bring em in."*
JF: What the hell are the rockettes doing here? I need to get this man signed!
GS: You said I shouldn't distract you, so I need some entertainment for myself. It's either this, or listening to Wade Redden cry about his dilemma of money vs. retirement. Give me a break!
JF: If I take Wade Redden off your hands will you go away?
GS: I know one way you can get me to go away.
JF: Oh yeah, what? I'm not taking Roszival.
GS: Psh, I got rid of that guy a couple months ago. He's rotting in Winnipeg now with the rest of the Coyotes.
JF: The Coyotes are still in Phoenix, Glen. Do you know anything about hockey?
GS: Don't play games with me Jay, if you give me the rights to Tim Erixon I will go away.
JF: It will take Mike Del Zotto and a second rounder.
GS: Mike DelZottNO. How about Gilroy?
JF: He's a restricted free agent, genius.
GS: Believe me, after seeing how he acts around the ladies, he is certainly not restricted.
JF: You're a moron. Dubinsky?
GS: I'd rather give away my cigars.
JF: Ha! Stop distracting me now, I want to finish this deal!
GS: Hey, are you emailing him offers?
JF: Yes, get out of my office!
GS: Wait, let me just see your laptop for a second.
JF: Why...
GS: There's a video I would like you to see.
JF: I'm not looking at any more videos of Wade Redden in a whale costume Glen. It was funny the first time, then it got just plain creepy!
GS: No, it's a video of Chris Kreider, maybe you want him!
JF: I'll take a look.
*Glen Sather proceeds to rickroll Jay Feaster*
JF: C'mon Glen, now I only have ten minutes left and my computer isn't working!
GS: Muahahahaha. So no Kreider, actually, how about a fifth round draft pick and Tim Kennedy.
JF: You already traded Tim Kennedy! A first rounder and Callahan.
GS: Who cares? No one even knows Kennedy still exists! Callahan isn't even captain, take Drury.
*More negotiations*
JF: So, final offer. Erixon for Roman Horak and three future first round picks.
GS: Sure, just sign here. (Sather drops his pen on Feaster.) Let me get that for you! (Sather pretends to trip, pokes out both of Feasters eyes)
JF: You bumbling fool, I can't even see!
GS: (With a ninja face) That's ok, I wrote it out just like you said it. Just sign here.
JF: You promise?
GS: Just like I promised that I won't make any bad signings this offseason to Dolan. (Hey, is Anson Carter still playing? Would he want a five year deal?)
JF: Fine, done. Now get out.
GS: Alright, let's go ladies.
JF: Leave the rockettes.
GS: I like the way you think.
THE END
