As I have mentioned numerous times, I have a secret camera hidden in Glen Sather's official trade discussion room. Whether or not the transcripts I provide are "real" or not are up for debate, but let's not focus on that.
Glen Sather and Scott Howson discussed a possible deal involving Rick Nash dating back to as far back as the time dinosaurs roamed around the world. I'll only provide the transcription from February 19th to February 27th, however.
February 19th: Glen Sather (GS) and Scott Howson (SH) discuss a possible trade
GS: Scotty boy! How's the Oilers GM gig going? I'm interested in Taylor Hall.
SH: Glen....I'm the GM of the Blue Jackets....I'm interested in Hall too....
GS: Blue Jackets? There's a team called the Blue Jackets? Ryan Callahan is the ultimate Blue Jacket, how do you explain this? Since when was there a team called the Blue Jackets?
SH: Glen, do you watch any hockey at all?
GS: What? Oh, how about Steve Nash?
SH: That's a basketball player. Do you mean Rick Nash? The player on our team?
GS: Yeah, that guy. How much is he being paid, $4 mil a year?
GS: 7.8 what? Thousand?
SH: Million, Glen. Million. Do you want to discuss a trade or not?
GS: Do I want to discuss a trade? Do I love cigars?
SH: OK Glen, what's your offer?
GS: Let's watch the game, then I'll come up with an offer.
Howson and Sather watch the Blue Jackets play at the Rangers. Continue reading after the jump for more.Rangers lead 2-1, Glen finally decides to propose a trade.
GS: How about Wade Redden, Sean Avery, and some playoff tickets for Nash?
SH: I think that sounds fair.
As Darth Sather begins to write up the paper work, Rick Nash cashes in a goal on a wrister passed Henrik Lundqvist.
SH: NO DEAL! I want Derek Stepan, Michael Del Zotto, Ryan McDonagh, Chris Kreider, and just for fun I'll take Christian Thomas, too.
GS: Have you gone mad? Get out of my office!
February 23rd: After days of angry texting Howson remarks like "your GM career is going just as well as your playing career did," among others, Glen Sather finally decides to call Howson back.
GS: Hey Scott, I'm sorry for all those texts and the mean comments. I'm finally ready to make you an offer you can't refuse.
SH: You're not going to do that thing where you offer me a totally unfair trade, so when I finally decide to settle it's still a rip off in your favor, right?
GS: No, I would never do that Scott! How dare you accuse me of such a thing! Just for that I'm taking Chris Kreider out of the offer. Now I'm offering you Brandon Dubinsky and Pavel Valentenko for Nash.
SH: No can do Glen, unless Valentenko magically becomes a goaltender I'm not doing that deal. Dubinsky has what, six goals this season? The guy's a mess!
GS: He's just misunderstood, all he wants is to grow out his mustache, beat up some Capitals, and win, but we ask him to do other things, like "score," and "work." He doesn't like that.
SH: Sounds like he'd fit in here perfectly. Does he like spray tans? We have a guy here that loves them.
GS: I'm not sure, but back to the point. What do you want for Nash?
SH: I want Dubinsky, Kreider, J.T. Miller, Tim Erixon, and one of Michael Del Zotto or Ryan McDonagh.
GS: Didn't you just trade for John Mayer, though? You don't need another defenseman!
SH: Jack Johnson you dimwit, and we know he can't play defense, we just wanted to get rid of Jeff Carter. The guy tried to have sex with my wife!
GS: He must not have the best taste.
SH: Exactly! I mean who does that!
GS: Oh dear, you really are that dumb. (Whispered to himself)
SH: So what do you say?
GS: I'll get back to you tomorrow.
February 25th: The Rangers trade Wojtek Wolski to the Florida Panthers to free cap room. Glen Sather finally calls Scott Howson back.
GS: Alright scotch tape, let's get this deal done. Wade Redden for Nash, right?
SH: NO! Why would I ever do that?
GS: Wade Redden demands respect. Wade Redden plays hockey like no others. Wade Redden is married. Wade Redden is named Wade, and has a color in his last name. If it were not for Wade Redden signing with the New York Rangers, the New York Rangers would not be paying Wade Redden. Wade Redden is currently a minor leaguer, but would like to play in the NHL. Wade Redden plays "defense." Wade Redden breaths, lives, has a heart, has a brain, and likely has balls, but John Tortorella has tried to argue against that before. Wade Redden is human.
SH: Wow....you just named every obvious point one can make about him. I would know all of that even if I didn't know who he is.
GS: Exactly. So mysterious, yet not. What a guy.
SH: Take a nap, Glen.
GS: I took three this morning, thank you very much. Here's a tip, don't smoke a cigar and nap at the same time.
SH: I don't want Wade Redden, nor do I want your tips. I want the package I offered!
GS: You're offering your package? That changes everything!
SH: NO! Glen, stop the madness, just offer me a deal!
GS: Fine. Brandon Dubinsky, Tim Erixon, and a first round draft pick. You have to throw in Steve "Stonewall" Mason, though.
SH: Why do you want him?
GS: I feel like Hank would have fun watching him try to play goalie.
SH: You're a cruel man. I'll get back to you soon.
February 27th, 2:50 PM: After multiple attempts to call Glen Sather fail, Scott Howson finally reaches him with ten minutes to spare before the deadline.
SH: GLEN, WHY DID YOU NEVER ANSWER MY CALLS!
GS: Sorry, I was in meetings with Jimmy Dolan the whole time. When I told him we needed cash to get Rick Nash he told me we have Jeremy Lin to play the point. I kept trying to explain to him that I'm the GM of his hockey team, but he had Sportscenter on so he was too confused.
SH: Well what's your final offer?
GS: Brandon Dubinsky, Dylan McIllrath, and a 1st for Nash.
SH: No can do, I don't like McIllrath. A. I think he'll eat me, B. Whenever I type his name I get the I and lower case L confused.
GS: Wow. How about Dubinsky, Jared Staal, and a 1st.
SH: You have Marc Staal.
GS: I do? Wow I'm awesome. We're a really good team, aren't we! How's your team doing?
SH: Next offer?
GS: John Tortorella and Mats Zuccarello for Nash.
SH: If I get Tortorella he'll manage to fire me, fire my kids, and actually light me on fire all at the same time. Zuccarello is a good player to have, though. He's swiss, like cheese. I like cheese.
GS: Zuccarello for Nash
SH: NO, next offer?
GS: Chad Dosnueve and Cam Talbot for Nash.
SH: If we take Cam Talbot you have to give us Ryan Callahan and Marian Gaborik.
GS: You know your job is the one on the line here, right? I can't get fired, Dolan doesn't even know what the Rangers are. He's tried to fire me as Knicks GM four times this season, then gave me a huge bonus for signing Jeremy Lin.
SH: Final offer?
GS: I'll be nice. Dubinsky, Miller, Erixon, Thomas,and a first for Nash.
GS: Ha, you fool! It's 3:15! No one's getting Rick Nash now! Now you'll have to cave to our offer in the summer! Take that!
SH: I hate you Glen Sather. I hate you.
GS: Muahahahaha. I also acquired the hulk while you were in the bathroom.
SH: John Scott? The John Scott?
GS: THE John Scott.
SH: You will rue the day you messed with the Columbus Blue Jackets, Glen! Rue the day!