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Read this article or we'll shoot this stuffed dog** (with this water pistol)

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These are hard times.

Everyone’s life is busy. Work. School. Commuting. Eating. Napping. There just isn’t enough time in the day to do the things that matter most.

And what are the things that matter? A loving partner. A child’s laughter. The pursuit of your dreams. Money in the bank. That vacation you always dreamed about. Good health and good friends. A Rangers Stanley Cup.

No. None of that matters. Nobody gives a shit about you or your pathetic life. You can rot in hell for all eternity for all that anyone cares.

Only one thing matters here at Blueshirt Banter.

Joe Fortunato.

And he desperately needs your help.

That’s right. Blueshirt Banter is in trouble. Big trouble.

As most of you are aware, BSB has been the top SB Nation hockey blog in the number of comments for a few years now.

But the past is the past. BSB has a target on its back. Sources have told me that Broad Street Hockey has hired some goons to intimidate its commenters into being more active. Pension Plan Puppets, the Maple Leaf blog, has a few exciting rookie commenters who have put up some big numbers in their game threads.

So what has BSB done? Nothing. Nada. #statusquo

He hasn’t said anything publicly, but Joe is very worried that BSB won’t make it to the finals this year.

You can see it in his writing.

Less spelling errors. Vain attempts at humor. Multiple articles per day about inconsequential subject matter. He’s even suspected of posting articles under different names.

Has anyone actually met Adam Herman?

So what can be done? How can BSB maintain its dominance and, as a result, make Joe happy?

Two words.

More. Comments.

The Yankees had Ruth. Basketball had Jordan. Boxing had Ali.

BSB has Viola.

They were all dominant at their peak. Giants in their field. Legends. Hall of famers.

But nothing lasts forever.

At his height, Tony Viola had more comments in a week on BSB than some SB Nation communities had in a year. And it wasn’t even close. In the past, Tony’s comments were basically 10% of BSB’s total. Most of them were ‘lol’ or ‘love ya pal’ or ‘book it’, but a comment is a comment is a comment.

The problem is that Tony is past his peak. Sure, he still generates a good amount of useless information and pads, but his overall performance has declined. Old age? A broken keyboard he’s too cheap to replace? A bad internet connection? Who the hell knows.

Personally, I think he may be cheating on us with another blog, but I have no proof.

So it’s time for everyone else to step up and take up the slack.

In a meeting at work? Just keep nodding your head as you post some comments with your phone held under the table. Trust me, nobody will notice.

In class? Studying? Post away. You can always buy the paper that’s due tomorrow on the internet.

Commuting? Lots of stop and go traffic? Go safely and comment while stopped. That’s called using your time more efficiently.

In court? Feel free to comment. Just tell the judge that you’re checking on some information pertinent to the case. She/he will understand.

And you lurkers. You. Should. Be. Ashamed. Of. Yourselves.

"I just like to read the articles and comments."

"It’s too hard to sign up."

"I don’t know a lot about hockey and I don’t want to be made fun of."

For one thing, don’t worry about BigB22 making fun of you. I’ve met him and I’m pretty sure I can take him.

For another thing, START COMMENTING DAMMIT! We really don’t care what you say. Joe just needs the numbers, and the replies telling you how wrong you are will really add up.

So to sum things up, please, please help Joseph Fortunato. Please post as often as you can. No comment is too small or unimportant. Tell us where you are. What you’re eating. How you feel. There are never enough ‘I hate AV’ comments. Glass? The disdain for him never gets old. Can’t sleep? Tell us all about it. In multiple posts if possible. Are you drunk? Great! We love drunken posts here at BSB. The more the better.

More comments! More comments! More comments! Make a pledge to yourself: I - will - comment - more - often!  I - will - not - let - Fortunato -  down! I - will - keep - BSB -  in - first -  place!!

I would like to thank all of you in advance. A happy Joe is a happy BSB, and isn’t that what life is all about?

Let’s make BSB great again!

More comments!

** No actually dogs were harmed during this article. The gun wasn't even loaded. Thank you National Lampoon.