The New York Rangers did an awesome, information packed review of their entire staff. There were some... fantastic revelations. I took the time to go through it for you to find the best of the best.
Quinn claims he’d teach if he wasn’t a hockey coach. This is important because he’s great at development and it would transfer over. Get it? Why isn’t the season here yet?
Apparently Kanye West is the most played artist on his iPod. I don’t have a joke for that, it was just surprising.
I will be honest with you here, this was the toughest one of the group. There was nothing really interesting or funny here. I will simply give him the nod of approval that Batman is his favorite superhero. Yes, even better than Superman. No, I will not argue this point.
Bigras has three nicknames: Biggie, Bigsy, and Bigs. That he has multiple nicknames isn’t surprising, but it does highlight how unoriginal hockey nicknames are that two of the three add some form of “sie” or “y” or maybe even a “zy” which is the cornerstone of, like, every hockey nickname ever invented.
My favorite son has yet again come through in the clutch. Under “collects” he put “magnets.” I have no idea if this is true, or if he’s an avid Always Sunny fan and took his shot when he saw it. I would like to believe that magnets are actually something he collects, but I so very badly want him to love Always Sunny as much as I do. Either way, this is a damn home run from Buchnevich — or “Bootch.”
His dinner guest would be Margot Robbie — which is a grand slam. Stunning, amazing actress, and most importantly a Rangers fan. I also have to mention that the “talent he’d most like to have” is “fastest runner in the world.” Not just “fast runner,” but “fastest in the world.” Shoot for the sky, kids.
I’m torn here between his nickname simply being “Freddy” or the fact that he claims his best meal to cook is “Swedish pancakes.” What in the hell is a Swedish pancake? I have no idea — and I’m saying this as a man who just spent three minutes googling “Swedish pancakes” and “what are Swedish pancakes.”
Not a ton to work with here, so I’m going to say the fact that the talent he’d most like to have is “the ability to jump really high.” Emphasis there is mine. Note the contrast between Chytil’s fastest running “in the world” and Crawley’s “really high.” It should be noted the man has three dogs, and the more dogs you have in life the better. So he is winning.
Day claimed his favorite meal is “chicken enchiladas made by Max Jones’ mom.” I swear to the heavens this made me burst out laughing at my desk. I LOVE the fact that Day didn’t say “chicken enchiladas” but had to specify that they needed to be made by the mother of Max Jones. Who is Max Jones? That’s an amazing question. I’m assuming it’s Anaheim Ducks’ prospect Jones — presuming he has a mother who makes the best chicken enchiladas of all time.
I have a confession to make here. When I was a young, impressionable child my cousins from Pennsylvania convinced me to spend the first part of my young life as an Eagles fan. During this time, I loved Brian Westbrook, who is one of DeAngelo’s listed favorite athletes. As a Giants fan now, however, I reject this notion and will say that his response of “working in sports somehow” to the question of what he would be doing if not for hockey is so vaguely amazing.
Tough call here between Vampire Diaries being his guilty pleasure TV show and the fact that Liam Neeson is his favorite actor. The two seem at such contrasting odds with one another that, in some strange way, it all makes perfect sense.
He’s from Pennsylvania, speaks fluent French, and grew up a Minnesota Wild fan. Oh yeah, he’s also the only person in his family to “ever play hockey.”
His guilty pleasure is “sugar” hard stop. Does this mean sweets? Probably not since, you know, he could have said “sweets.” But no, he said “sugar” and nothing else, which I’m choosing to believe means he carries sugar packets around with him and just rips them open and eats them raw as he feels the need to be naughty. Amazing.
His hidden talent is that he “can juggle with four tennis balls or apples.” ONLY tennis balls or apples (I assume). I can juggle, but I cannot juggle more than three things, so I do give him props for being able to juggle four of them.
My God the man has the single greatest nickname of all time. Just a few hundred words after I mocked hockey nicknames. I am so sorry! Oh yeah, the nickname, I haven’t told you what it was yet. It’s: The. Tree. The Tree! THE TREE!!! How does one even possess such a nickname? I could have selected that he loves Family Guy, or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, or that his first jersey ever was a Cleveland Browns jersey. But no, the nickname of “The Tree” is maybe the most amazing thing of all time. Just tell me how it happened, how it stuck, who gave it to him? Actually, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. The Tree!!!
This may be the greatest, offhand comment of all time. From the bio:
Gilmour was once ranked third in the world on EA Sports Online NHL game and still plays quite often. “When it came out in 2009- 10, I played all the time,” said Gilmour. “I worked myself up the ranks to third in the world. I played the first place person a bunch of times and couldn’t beat him. So I decided to give it up for awhile and focus on other things.”
Back when I was in college, me and two roommates played NHL constantly, honing our skills for online wars in hockey and creating a team to battle online with. I was a left winger and once took a critical after-the-whistle penalty in an overtime game we then lost. What did I do? I stood there as the other guy crosschecked me and somehow I got the penalty. At the end of our season I had 46 goals and 89 points in 62 games, and we rose to the 36th team ranking in North America. It was a feat that I thought would be worthless (until now!) and took, I kid you not, like 50 hours of our very limited sober free time. I missed so much class to ensure our ranking was as high as possible. Worth it. Also, respect John, I know what it’s like to be in those foxholes.
Not a funny one, but an important one:
“[Gropp’s mom] was diagnosed when I was 15 years old and I remember feeling devastated. But she was so strong through everything, and our family really came together and rallied around each other. She is in remission now. Any time I feel down, I remember what she went through. She’s a huge role model for me.”
Screw cancer. And support to all of those fighting, have been lost to, or have beaten it.
His nickname is “Grossy” which I feel like I would have tried to stamp out as quickly as possible. Also, he’d want to be a mechanic if not a hockey player. Interesting call, Nico, but a good one. When I go to the mechanic they can tell me anything, literally anything, and I will believe them. $3,000 to fix the broken gas tube? Sure, whatever. I don’t know cars, what am I supposed to do?
Hajek grew up on a farm, taking care of five dogs, 15 horses, and over 200 sheep! 200! He still does it now over the summer! I have never been with sheep for an extended period of time, but my parents do live behind a horse farm. Sometimes I go out there and pet them, and feed them grass because when a horse eats out of your hands they use only their enormous lips and it is awesome. One time I fed a horse a peppermint and the horse was so happy it ran around and jumped in the air before coming back looking for more. I deemed this was bad, because obviously he wasn’t allowed to have sugar, so I stopped feeding him sugar.
His hidden talent is that he’s “a pretty decent volleyball player.” Anyone who watches Trailer Park Boys as I do is snickering right now. Decent.
Oh have I been waiting for this one. Sadly, I did not get the fantastic content I thought I would out of Hayes — who is by far one of the most entertaining Rangers out there. He went straight arrow on this one, probably because he’s preparing for a show-me season to earn his next big deal. What would he be doing if not a hockey player? A police officer. Make of that what you will.
His favorite book is “Shoe Dog” which, like, I have no idea and don’t want to google to ruin it for myself. His nickname being Pistol is fantastic, as is the fact that if he could swap places with any animal for a day he would swap with his family dog. However, him collecting golf balls from all the major courses he’s played is a bad ass move. Love it.
One of his nicknames is Howdy which would complicate things massively if he was traded to Nashville. He also has three dogs, and listens to Justin Bieber the most on his iPod. Do what you will with that.
Superpower he’d most like to have? Time travel OR stop time. This is a big one, because I have often thought that having the ability to stop time (where you can move and manipulate things) is a talent I would also like to have.
Kreider breaks up a slow streak with solid GOLD.
Collects: Goaltenders’ souls
Favorite NYC restaurant: “Wherever Zucc eats.”
Person he’d trade places with for a day: Mats Zuccarello
Tell me those are not the four greatest answers ever? Goaltenders’ souls? I can hear Montreal crying from here! I love you, Chris. Know that. Remember that. If you are somehow reading this, I started the #InevergaveuponKreider hashtag during the Tortorella years. This is why.
Also, trusting Zuccarello with all food options seems like a crazy risk.
His hidden talent is magic tricks.
I hate to keep going back to nicknames, but my word we have a second-place gift here: Chenzo, Chenny, and... SQUIRREL! Squirrel! That’s AWESOME!
For a tough guy who crushes people on the ice, his favorite movie being The Notebook was surprising. But I respect it.
Lindqvist comes in with the first “ability to read minds” for a selected superpower. Gotta be up there for a lot of us.
He has like 40 pages here that I had to sort through. I don’t know what to pick, his life is just so good. Instead I will tell you the man Lundqvist himself would swap lives with: Bruce Springsteen.
The man can cook.
If not playing hockey, he would be driving a truck.
Favorite meal is chicken wings. Hell yeah, Ville!
His favorite band is Blink 182.
His “something you wouldn’t know about me” is that he is afraid of spiders — which I relate to on a personal level. What drew me to him, though, is that his favorite quote is “luck is for rabbits” which I’ve never heard before. Nor do I think makes sense, but so be it.
His favorite meal would be a “chicken burrito bowl from Chipotle.” Not nearly as exciting as Day’s specific Mexican meal, but he likes what he likes.
His hidden talent is lip syncing. I honestly have no idea how one A) figures out this is a talent, and B) promotes this for others to know since, you know, when you’re doing it you’re not making any noise.
Listed “my dad” as one of three ideal dinner guests.
“We had a regulation sized baseball field in the front yard, a hockey rink on the side of the house and a football field in the back,” said Pionk. “My dad built everything. It was awesome. Our baseball teams used to practice at our house, it was very convenient.”
Apparently Pionk’s father is some type of scientist or astronaut with the ability to build all of those fields. Also, it’s a low-key insane move to have your son’s baseball team practice in your OWN BACKYARD! I am convinced I would be as ripped as Marc Bergevin if I didn’t have to go to the gym to exercise, but rather could simply play sports instead. But where are you going to find a place where you can do all that literally steps away from your own living room? For Pionk, his damn house!
Ronning’s profile is shockingly littered with brilliant moments. The winner however is this gem: “I could roller-blade before I could walk.” Quick question: How? Seriously? How? My daughter is crawling and can walk if you hold her hands while she steps forward. So, uh, I fell like roller-blades would complicate the situation immeasurably. I’m not saying he’s lying, I’m just saying he’s not human.
The man is from New York.
There was a lot here, but I have to give the nod to his teammates comparing him to a black panther when finding an animal comparable. When googling this, it appears that the only difference between a black panther and a regular panther is coloring — similar to puppies as a yellow and black panther can be born in the same litter. That said, black panthers are approximately 400000000% more awesome than their sadly regular colored brothers and sisters. And that’s for an animal that’s already a certified killer that can tear out your throat before you know it’s even there hunting you. I approve of this distinction.
Skjei’s first jersey ever? Marian Gaborik Wild jersey. I am a man who loves and respects Gaborik as much as Skjei apparently does.
His hidden talent is that he is good at chess. When I was younger I used to play chess against my dad every night. I got pretty good at it, and continued to play in college. On a whim I played with some much more hardcore fans of the game one weekend at Quinnipiac and got defeated so thoroughly I don’t think I’ve played the game again.
Has taken up DJing and his his own equipment. “I’ve played at a few clubs so far,” said Spooner. “I love music, it’s something I really enjoy. I’m just trying to get better and better at it in my free time.”
Does Mika know about this?
His bucket list is going on an African safari. This depressed me because it’s also something I would like to do, but I don’t have the money. He will cross this off in a few years.
His favorite meal is “cheeseburger AND poutine.” I was unaware one’s arteries could handle both being ingested at the same time.
Favorite book series is the Harry Potter series. Which was my favorite book series until about a year ago when I read The Dark Tower. Props, Jimmy.
Did anyone else expect his “what he’d be doing if not for playing hockey” to be something around DJing. Well it’s not, he’d want a career in soccer or tennis. I am also surprised.
To “download 50 apps” is on his bucket list. I am so taken aback by this joke that I need a few moments to HIS TEAMMATES WOULD COMPARE HIM TO A KILLER WHALE! He thinks Staal is the funniest Ranger which I was not prepared for.