As of this writing, the Rangers’ playoff odds sit between 2 and 7% (according to MoneyPuck.com and TheAthletic.com). In order to get to the postseason, the Rangers would to achieve a modern miracle and have a whole bunch of teams fall off the face of the earth. With that being said, and with the February 24th NHL Trade Deadline quickly approaching, it’s time to open the Rangers Rental Emporium!
Are you a team with their sights set on a Stanley Cup run? Do you think that one extra player will give you the edge over 15 other teams as you march through the playoffs? Are you desperate enough to make a bad long-term decision in the name of short-term glory?
Well, if you answered “yes” to any of the above questions then you need to make your way down to Crazy JD’s Rangers Rental Emporium on West 33rd Street! Every Ranger with an expiring contract is on the table and the prices are IIIINNNNSSAAAAANNNNEEE!!!
Here at the Rangers Rental Emporium we have all kinds of players to fit your team’s needs. Let’s start up front; you need goals, assists, points; it’s how you win the big game after all, right? Well, do we have a forward for you!
Do you have a strong first line center but need a young, cost controlled pivot that has spent the first half of the season carbo-loading for the big marathon ahead? Check out this Ryan Strome! Sure, the giddy-up might not be there, and the special features are slightly one dimensional, but ignore all that and look at the pretty passes and we can start the conversation with a second round pick!
What? Don’t need a center and are looking more into wingers? Not a problem, in fact, we’ve got THE winger for you.
He’s big, strong, fast, and really good at deflections. Take a look at Chris Kreider. You’re not gonna find anyone else like this on the market, let me tell you that! Strong body and chassis, a jet engine with afterburners, and some nifty special features that will wreak havoc this spring, especially in Montreal. What? That ding on the cover? Oh, don’t worry about that, you can definitely buff that out later on. Now, for Kreider we’re gonna need to begin discussing things around a first round pick and one of those fancier prototype models you have.
Oh, Chris Kreider is a little out of your price range? You’re looking for a middle-lineup forward, then, someone that can move up and down depending on your changing needs. Provide a little offense here and there while solidifying the defensive end? Not a problem at all, in fact, this one has a little pep to him. Check out Jesper Fast, a smooth skating Swedish winger that is very dependable no matter how you utilize him. He also won’t cost you all that much, let’s start talking with a third round pick, eh?
We also have another, more cost-friendly model that might be a bit more rugged than some of our other wingers. The playoffs are a tough grind, you need someone that can withstand the slog and protect your stars from whoever might try something dumb. Check out Brendan Lemieux, here, sure he’s a little rough around the edges but Lemieux can fit into a a variety of bottom-six roles that you may need to fill.
What? You’re not quite looking at forwards? Well, that’s OK because while we might be light in the defense department we still have a rather appealing option for you.
Do you need an offensive defenseman with itchy Twitter fingers? Well do we have a player for you! Check out Tony DeAngelo, here! Sure, he might be a bit undersized and still has some issues in his own end, but if you need offense from the back end and the power play then he’s the player for you! The cost will be high and, unfortunately, all deals here are final and there are no take backs here.
What? What’s that? You need a goalie? Oh...well...we do have this one option but it might be a hard deal to make... but for you we can work out a special price.
Check out this Bulgarian goalie; Alexandar Georgiev. He’s young, cost-controlled and ready to jump out there and lead a team into the playoffs. Look around, who else is available in goal that is that young AND that good? What? Our other young, Russian goalie? ABSOLUTELY NOT, thank you GOODBYE... I am so, so sorry. Where were we? Oh, right, the starting price for Georgiev will be a first round pick.
What? That seems high? Well, I already told you...our prices are INSAAAAAAANE, and these deals are only available while supplies last. And you don’t want to get left out in the cold come playoff time, so you better act fast because the last thing you’d want to have happen is have a poor performance and end up losing your job.
So with that in mind, don’t delay; stop on down and visit JD’s Rangers Rental Emporium today!