New York Rangers Game Thread: Into Bear Country

Baby-stealing, jazz-loving, murder-mouth bears.

Some true science facts about Ursidae:

"Bears are very smart and have been known to roll rocks into bear traps to set off the trap and eat the bait in safety."

When we get our first sighting of a bear wielding a flintlock pistol it's time to admit defeat.

"Bears can run up to 40 miles per hour, fast enough to catch a running horse. The fastest known human alive today is Usain Bolt, who can run 27mph."

Good god... our only hope is that they slip on the excrement that will undoubtedly be left behind in our terror.

"A bear’s normal heartbeat is 40 beats per minute. A hibernating bear’s heart rate drops to 8 bpm."

And all they dream about is murder. And committing murder with their mouths. And sucking the greasy marrow from our splintered bones.

"A polar bear can swim up to 100 miles without resting."

Is nowhere safe? We cannot afford to continue to squander our helium reserves on the mirth of children. I've been saying it for years.

"The claws on the front feet of bears are longer than the claws on the back feet. Some large bears have claws almost 5" long."

Sweet Christmas.


David Backes is back tonight for the Bruins and Antti Raanta is getting the start for the Rangers.

Legend has it that they love the jazz because it's without structure and raw. It's chaos, but beautiful in its purity. Just like murdering things with your mouth. A hot geyser of blood splashing against your maw as your canine teeth find purchase on muscle and fatty tissue to tear away and gobble down. Snapping your fingers all the while. Monsters.

Only Africa and Australia are safe from the bear. We'll meet there and figure out stage two. Be sure to bring water and keep your food in air-sealed bags. And remember, the koala is a lie.

The Rangers have scored 300 goals this season. Hopefully they do that again tonight in Boston.

Enjoy the game. Stay vigilant.