This is quite obviously satire. Hopefully it makes you laugh. Use this as your open game thread.
[The New York Rangers locker room, 30 minutes before warmups]
Alain Vigneault: Alright, boys, you don’t need me to tell you that our backs are up against it here. You don’t need me to tell you we need a win tonight.
Ryan McDonagh: Yeah guys! We need to get a big win tonight! ALL IN, BOYS, ALL IN!
AV: Alright let’s talk lineups! Pavel, you were invisible the second half of Game 2, it’s like you weren’t even playing. So I’m going to go with Tanner here.
Buchnevich [speaking through Kreider]: But you only played me five minutes.
AV [waving a hand]: Doesn’t matter, you weren’t good. We need speed and skill so of course we’re making this move. I’ll let you continue to take line rushes and passive aggressively replace you in practice even when you’re doing well to keep your confidence as low as it can be. If for a moment you ever think about yourself as a competent hockey player let me know and I’ll send you to the room with Scott so you can review tape of where you screwed up.
Buchnevich [still through Kreider]: That’s just a loop of cat videos on YouTube.
AV [already ignoring him]: Now that solves all our problems. We should be ready to go.
Henrik Lundqvist: Uh, coach, I thought we had a good talk about this on Saturday after the game?
AV: I read the papers, Hanky, this is apparently all your fault. I’m willing to give you another chance tonight, but just know I’ll put Raanta in if I think it’s the best thing to do for the team. I love you, but I love the team more.
Hank: We talked about the defense being an issue, coach.
AV: Yeah it’s not. Remember that time Patrick Roy told me Nick Holden was the best defenseman on his very bad hockey team? Well I do. I think about it often. All the time, actually. I think about it before I go to bed, the moment I wake up, and almost every time he’s somehow out there for a goal against. He’s so good that he’s a +500,000 in scoring chance in the playoffs by my metrics.
Hank: He pinched for no reason in a double overtime game ...
AV: Tell me, Hank, what’s the name of the greatest goaltender of all time? Hint it rhymes with Batprick Trois
Hank [sighing]: Patrick Roy.
AV: That’s right, Patrick G-D Roy.
Hank [quickly]: But he wasn’t a good coach! You don’t need to do everything he says just because he said it! He got fired because his team was terrible! Why are you trusting his judgement???
AV [puts his hands over his ears and yells “lalalalalalalalalala” until Hank stops speaking]: He’s the best guy we got. He’s playing. Do you have any idea how much he has to play? We only have four defenseman.
Brendan Smith: Yeah, I meant to talk to you about that.
AV [looking around wildly]: Who said that? This is a closed locker room you’re not allowed to be in here! Ghosts! Specters! The spirit world! Begone evil spirits, leave me be!
Smith: It’s me, Brendan Smith!
AV [looks at Glass]: Are you doing this? Is this a joke to break up the tension? Good one buddy! [laughing]
Smith [yelling]: IT’S ME A DEFENSEMAN ON YOUR HOCKEY TEAM!
AV [startled]: Oh I’m sorry, Boris I lost you.
Smith [frustrated]: It’s Brend — you know what, whatever.
AV: That was strange.
Brady Skjei: So, actually I wanted to say something, too.
AV [annoyed]: Baby Brady we’ve been over this. Until you start playing better you’re not going to play more. You’re a liability, buddy.
Skjei: But I scored two goals and might have been our best defenseman!
AV: Not by my metrics. You were awful. Goals mean nothing to me, haven’t you learned this by now?
Skjei: That doesn’t make any sense! I should be getting second pair minutes with Smith! In fact, we should be the first pair in most respects!
AV: Tell me, Brady, who was one of the greatest goaltenders of all time?
Skjei [angrily]: I’m not doing this anymore.
Neal Pionk [in a suit]: Wait, is this seriously what goes on in here?
Jeff Beukeboom [quickly]: GET HIM THE HELL OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!
[MSG security bodily removes him from the locker room.]
AV [eyeing the room]: Alright, now that the nonsense is out of the way. I’m going to continue to expect things to change on our stagnant penalty kill and power play even though I’m not changing anything. I will pretend to be frustrated when it doesn’t work and after the game if someone actually asks me about it [bursts into laughter] oh my God could you imagine. [laughing so hard he starts to choke] Oh God it hurts so much. [wiping away tears] Oh that was rich.
[The team uneasily sits around looking at each other]
AV: OK, boys, let’s go to warm ups. Pavel suit up, maybe you’ll play.
Buchnevich [excited]: OK!
AV [looks at Glass and shakes his head “no” with a smile]