BREAKING NEWS: SATHER SIGNS 3-YEAR EXTENSION
Sources from inside the New York Rangers have confirmed to me that Glen Sather has signed a three (3) year contract extension this morning to remain as the GM of the New York Rangers. Citing his fantastic ability to sign under-the-radar free agents to appropriate contracts, Jim Dolan and fellow executives feel that Sather is "One free agent signing away from an 8th seed playoff spot." Music to all Blueshirt fans, I'm sure. Follow me after the jump as I collect reactions from many different angles along with Glen Sather himself.
- First up, Rangers coach John Tortorella:
"I think Slats has done a great job. I have two, maybe three players that are able to play on a consistent basis and any coach would kill for that. I'll have to talk to him about this Lundqvist character in net who has been giving up some softies as of late, but that will pan itself out seeing as we have a never ending roulette of backup goaltenders. One great pickup this season has been Jody Shelley, I mean the guy is on fire with 3 assists in 15 games and he can fight! No matter how this season ends I know Slats will really come through in the summer with a solid free agent signing."
- Current Ranger Goaltender Henrik Lundqvist:
"I'm ****ing pissed..."
Well said, Hank.
- Current Ranger Wade Redden:
"Slats really knows a player when he sees him. Calm, cool, collected; that's what he wants. Giving opposing forwards plenty of room at the blue-line is a trick he taught Rozi and I, and it seems to be working out great (except when they shoot, I hate blocking shots cause sometimes it hurts and then I don't want to play that much). Any way you put it Glen has a great history and years to go ahead of him."
- Former Ranger Blair Betts:
"Slats has his own way of doing things, that's for sure. I loved my time as a Ranger and thought I did a damn good job with my defensive forward duties, but apparently I didn't reach my statistical benchmarks according to Glen. I never did have the heart to tell him that the last time I broke 50 points was in juniors, though."
- Former Rangers Marek Malik and Dmitri Kalinin (on conference call):
Me: Hey guys thanks for this, so the news is that Sather will be the Rangers GM for at least 3 more years.
Malik: Really? Nice!
Kalinin: Hey Marek give him a call about getting us back into the NHL, remind him of that shootout goal you had a while back.
Malik: Yeah yeah, no problem I was thinking the same thing.
Kalinin: Ok great, I'll send a box of Cubans right now.
Me: Oh God...
---BEEP BEEP BEEP Call was Lost!---
Finally, the man himself (over the phone), Glen Sather:
"I'm grateful to the New York Ranger organization and Jimmy Dolan as always. I vow that I will work harder than ever to take this team to the next level, aka 7th place in the playoffs. This may take the entirety of my contract, but it's the long term goals that are important here. I'll give you an inside tip, Rob. My buddy John Davidson called, the one who is building an exciting and young Blues team, yeah you know him, anyways he said Keith Tkachuk is really looking like his old point-per-game self out there. He'll only be 39 next season, and I'm sure we could haggle him down to at least $3 million for a season. What a possible steal, right?! Don't let that get out, though, because I might make a tandem deal with the Blues for Paul Kariya too. We'd be unstoppable with that experience, I'll tell ya. (pause of silence)... Rob, you there?"
NOW FOR THE FUN DISCLAIMER: This is in no way a real story nor are any of the quotes. I can't believe I have to write this, but I don't want any BS. I fully support the Fire Glen Sather/End the Sather Era cause. Happy April Fool's day, and please send any clueless Ranger fans to this article.
P.S: You can follow a fake Glen Sather twitter account called The Generalissimo. Good stuff on there most of the time.